The Dan Chronicles

A Dan (Homo tardus) is a particular breed of male human marked by several characteristics that make it unique and distinct from other taxonomies of humans. While “Dan” is also a popular name in Western culture, it is important to note that this is not a reliable indicator that the male belongs to the breed of Dan.

Range and Habitat

Dans are native to the southern regions of North America where they are a common, but the breed may be found throughout the continent, adapting quickly to other more hostile habitats. Dans are known to cause significant damage to the environments they occupy, and are considered a pest in most households. As of now, there are few effective means of controlling Dan populations once they become established in a community, and so the emphasis is placed upon prevention. Due to their beer and saturated fat intensive diets, Dans have a relatively short life span compared to other breeds of humans, and so their populations can be most effectively mitigated by controlling the breeding of Dans in your community, and creating environments that are hostile to the Dan’s defense mechanisms.

Dans can be easily confused with other breeds, including the North American Redneck and the White-Thrushed Bigot with whom they often share habitats and some characteristics, so it is important to know the qualifications of a Dan before you attempt control of their populations.

The Dan prefers to infest habitats that are located within easy access to their beer sources, and they will not range far from this key part of their diet. Dan-infested houses are generally within a blighted suburban sprawl close to geographical features such as fastfood restaurants, discount chain stores (esp. Wal-Mart), and strip bars. Dans will eschew communities with cultural features such as art museums, independent film houses and vegetarian restaurants, as these features are not conducive to the Dan’s mating strategy.

A Dan will always attempt to occupy an environment that is densely populated with other light-skinned breeds of humans. Among these light-skinned breeds, a Dan may communicate aggression toward brown humans (see: bloviation below), but when confronted by a brown human, he will flee. Thus, a diversified community rich in variegated humans can be an effective means of discouraging a Dan infestation.

Physical Characteristics

A Dan may appear similar to other breeds of light-skinned human in terms of weight and height. A Dan’s hide is always a pale pinkish-white, and may be mottled with short hairs and small spots. To date, no brown-skinned Dans have ever been observed.

Dans will cover their hides using cheaply-made clothing, which often features symbols of their diets, especially beer. Unlike the Northeastern Elitist or the Common Yuppie, a Dan does not possess the ability to identify fashion aesthetics, and so he may appear to have a lack of care for his appearance. Some biologists believe that this is a form of camouflage, enabling the Dan to blend in with populations of other breeds that may share his habitat, such as the American Blue-Collared Worker, but this is still a matter of debate since many scientists observe that the dress of the Blue-Collared Worker has easily-identifiable practical applications, whereas the Dans’ choice in attire appears to be entirely due to indifference.

Other defining features of a Dan may include flecks of their diet encrusted upon their clothing, such as deep -fried food and beer, and an overall lack in hygiene. They favor large petroleum consuming modes of transportation, especially trucks and S.U.V.’s with names like “Ram” and “Tundra”. Dans often posses a faint but easily-identifiable odor of processed food, old sweat and petroleum, as a result.

Communication

When threatened a Dan will respond with a loud series of mimicking calls known as bloviation. A bloviating Dan will first inflate his chest in order to create an illusion of size, and will then proceed to mimic the sounds of other breeds around him, combining them with both long, droning diatribes and short, sharp emissions of foul concepts from his bigotry gland, which can cause other humans to become confused and lethargic.

While the White-Thrushed Bigot is also known to possess a bigotry gland, the Dan’s is much less complex. On a casual observation of the the two breeds in defense postures, they may appear identical, but the Dan’s bigotry gland does not have the acute poisonous effects of the Bigot’s. However it can still cause nausea in other less aggressive breeds, and so an observer must use appropriate protective methods when approaching a Dan in bloviation.

When not in bloviation, a Dan’s communication is marked by learned visual and auditory cues that reflect the linguistic patterns he sees on his television. A typical Dan’s vocabulary will include grunted phrases such as “my old lady”, “wetback”, “ain’t got no” and “bring me a beer”, which may be accompanied by snorting and crotch-grabbing. It is believed that, due to a lack of environmental and mating pressures, Dans have not evolved the ability to comprehend advanced language concepts.

Natural Enemies

There are various predators of the Dan, though none have appeared to have been evaluated in terms of augmentation for improved control of Dan populations. The Razorback Feminist is the most aggressive natural predator of Dans, though they are currently endangered due to destruction of their habitats. A Razorback Feminist possesses a uniquely adapted mechanism of reproduction whereby they can transform other human females into Razorbacks. A Dan’s mate, having adapted into a Razorback, will then consume the unsuspecting Dan.

Dans are also hunted opportunistically by the rare Crested Egalitarian, whose diet also includes the Warbling Ivy-Climber and the Capitalist Swine, though the Egalitarian breed does not generally venture into the hostile habitats that are common to the Dan, and so they do not provide a significant control mechanism. However, many biologists believe that the Crested Egalitarian could be augmented for these purposes, though there is little funding and public interest in support of this.

Mating

The Dan’s mating system is complex and opportunistic, using polygyny and various coercive and deceptive tactics to ensure his success. Few female human breeds will mate with a Dan voluntarily, and so a Dan will employ various adapted methods including bloviation, in an attempt to make himself appear similar to other breeds of human males, especially those who are known to be monogamous. However, it is well understood that Dans are innately hostile to all females human breeds, and present a special danger to them.

A Dan will attempt to lure a mate into in his house, and then prevents her escape by creating an elaborate web from his primitive testicular sac, which is located close to his bigotry glands. The Dan will use the web to control her resources while systematically breaking down her defensive strategies through alternating displays of aggression and affection, which serve to keep the female confused and paralyzed. Once the female is successfully paralyzed, the Dan will mate. The Dan will leave the rearing of offspring to the responsibility of his mate, rarely returning to the home once the offspring is born.

Though female humans that breed with Dans commonly experience shorter and less successful life spans, the Dan will counter this effect by mating with any other females he can outside of his home, though this is usually limited to mating specialists, such as the Clearheeled Stripper, and the Cockhooker, so as not to place his mating web at risk. The Dan is also known to employ opportunistic rape strategies, as well.

The mating habits of the Dan are considered among the more dangerous aspects of a Dan infestation, for an unchecked Dan can quickly destroy a flourishing population of females. Dans commonly produce more Dans in among their male offspring, potentially creating generations of destructive infestations, though this can be avoided if the mother escapes with the offspring before they metamorphose into the puberty stage.