Sometimes, she’s just asking for it….

Nigel is trying to fit some sleeves into pipes that Dan is manufacturing along side him.  It is precision work.

Dan:  Man you take a long time to fit those.

Nigel:  *from beneath the pipe with a crow bar and a laser level*  Just doing it right.

Dan:  Well, don’t sweat it man.  Everyone screws up sometimes.

Nigel:  If you do it right the first time, you won’t have to correct mistakes later.

Dan:  Ha.  You’ll fuck it up.  Wait and see.

Nigel:  Fuck ups don’t magically happen out of nowhere.  They happen when you don’t measure things correctly.

Dan:  Everyone loses, man.

Nigel:  This isn’t a game.  If I don’t measure this right, it will explode early.  Besides, I don’t lose.

Dan:  Ha.  One of these days your wife is going to kick your ass.

Nigel:  … What?

Dan:  Ha ha ha… Yep, you’re gonna fuck up and your wife is gonna beat the shit out of you.  (This confused me.  As Nigel explained it, to Dan, getting your ass kicked by a woman is among the worst humiliations, and so he intended this to be an insult.)

Nigel:  *sighs*   You know, I’ve never lost a fight, but I would be afraid of my wife, because if I gave her a reason to hit me, then I’d probably deserve to die.  But she will never have that reason to attack me.

Dan:  They all do sooner or later, man.  It’s just a matter of time before they go crazy.

Nigel:  …You could always try talking.  Talking with women often helps to prevent them from feeling insane.
Dan:  When she talks, all she does it bitch.

Nigel:  *shakes his head*  I can’t imagine why.  But regardless, violence isn’t an option between us.

Dan:  Well you’re a good man, I guess.

Nigel:  Why?  Because I don’t beat her?

Dan:  Yeah.  I mean, I don’t hit my wife, but sometimes… whew… you know?  She’s just asking for it.  You know what I mean.

Nigel:  No, I really don’t.  *glares*  I can’t fathom hitting my wife for any reason.

Dan:  Oh… *goes back to his lathe*

——

Why won’t men just beat us when we ask for it?  We try asking politely, saying please-may-I and everything, but no… we are consigned to suffer without the abuse we so clearly desire.  All day long I try to think of ways to convince men to hit me, but goddammit, my fairytale fantasy is squelched by the longsuffering restraint of men like Dan.  It’s good that there are men like him out there to protect us crazy wimmins from ourselves.  If it weren’t for epic patience like that, in our desperation to be beaten, we’d give up asking and just fling our faces into their fists to get that which we so clearly want.

Dan’s Moral:  Women deserve to be hit sometimes for being displeasing, but good men spare us, and for this we should be thankful.